unsettling exchanges with my five year old niece

Lauren: I want an iPhone for Christmas.
Me: Do you really need an iPhone Lauren? Do you know how old I was when I got my first phone?
Lauren: How old?
Me: 17. You want to know how old I was when I got my first smart phone?
Lauren: Yes
Me: 25
Lauren: Well, I wouldn't have wanted to live in your time.


home birth or murder

When Parents Text:
MOM: Love ya. Have merry merry merry. Mom and Dad. Ps Dad laundered his I phone. Thank heavens for apple care. 4: 00 in the morning 

DAD: You are smart, beautiful, funny and tall I luv u. 
ME: Dad are you drunk? 
DAD: Ya, I would never say that when Im sober
 and last but not least:



MOM: Idk how to request your dad as a friend 

DAD: Ur in got tix for the cho cho 
ME: Yaaaay!! choo choo! 
DAD: Calm dow, it’s just a train. Act like u been on one before. 

DAD: I am learning how to pose like Posh its in this weeks People. 

ME: I was just wondering if you ever miss me 
DAD: I miss you all of the time except on Tuesday nights when I want to watch NCIS and on Fridays when i watch Blue Bloods 

MOM: I saw the christmas pictures. The fat suits you! 
ME: oh..thanks mom for telling me I’m fat. 
MOM: I MEANT HAT the HAT SUITS YOU MOM: This thing doesnt write what I tell it to! 
MOM: you are beautiful!


have yourself a merry little christmas

Yesterday I was sick, so today really felt like Monday.

I got this album when it came out last year, and I just broke it out for this year. It's probably my favorite secular Christmas carol.


in defense of mom jeans

No I'm not a mom. But yes, I absolutely love my mom jeans. When I gained a teensby bit (10 lbs) of weight after the wedding, I had to get larger sizes in all my pants, especially my jeans, which were on the verge of being too tight away.

Before I upped my size, I had the ultra-trendy low-rise jeans. They were terrible. Not only did I have to constantly be paranoid about showing off my "goods" plumber style (just to clarify, this is sarcasm. My butt cheeks are not my goods...those are my calves :-). You can't just bend over to pick up something in those jeans. You have to do the awkward side-squat thing that is certain to draw as much attention as your plumber crack.

Another thing that sucked was where the jeans rested when you were sitting. I have a desk job where I am sitting for about eight hours a day. My old jeans would literally make indentions in my skin because they were so tight. The afternoon was the worst, because your stomach would be full. I would have to unbutton my pants, and dare I say my zipper too, under my desk. Don't worry, I always made sure my shirt was covering the zipper.

But now...now it's great. Although close friends and my husband laugh when I lift my shirt to show them exactly how high (hint: think bra wire) my mom jeans go, I have never felt more comfortable. I can eat all the gluten I want and my pants don't torture me like they used to.

Bottom line: you don't have to have kids to enjoy the comfort of the demin covered sweatpants known as mom jeans.