DAD: I cannot believe you ate the bacon. I specifically told you not to eat the bacon. And after all that, you went home and ate the bacon. I give you shelter and love, all i ask is for you to not eat my bacon.
ME: dad im sorry!
DAD: you better be sorry! your getting me more bacon. i expect it by tomorrow morning. if its not here, there will be consequenses.
ME: its just bacon dad…
DAD: not at all. you owe me big time.I will have justice.
MOM: Hey… I have a question. Is that song out right now that they keep playing on the radio go, “open condom style. whoop, whoop, whoop condom style. Heyyy sexy lady”? You know the one that’s partially in spanish (or something). I’m very confused by it.
DAD: Call ASAP. I have a question about female reproduction.
ME: I had a nightmare last night that I didn’t get into the elementary ed program and I had to drop out and move home!
DAD: That wouldn’t be so bad – I put a new door on your bedroom last night and it looks great! Changes the look of the whole family room…
MOM: You need to hurry home after work. Daddy made supper-salmon potatoes and holy beans.
ME: What in the world are holy beans?
MOM: They are regular pinto beans, but daddy cooked the h*ll out of them.
ME: Call me if you aren’t busy?
DAD: Did you want me to call you, maybe?